It's almost May. Summer. Hot weather.
Damn. I have to shave my legs because long pants are starting to get .... icky.
I also discovered that I needed to buy some shorts because the last time someone coaxed me into wearing them was about ten years and thirty pounds ago.
I shop for clothing by myself. Let's just say it's safer for everyone involved that way. One trip into a dressing room is generally more than enough to induce a Jekyll and Hyde transformation. I'm quite certain the reason I go into a dressing room with women in the stalls next to mine and come out to find myself completely alone has everything to do with the constant string of insults, complaints, and outright threats coming out of my stall.
Sooner or later I'm going to step out and find myself being stared down by a fully geared SWAT team, complete with riot masks and shields.
This is the conversation one can expect with a woman while shopping for clothing... especially warm weather clothing:
Woman: I tried on all of these and I'm getting THIS pair!
Companion: Those? But they're hot pink.
Woman: That's okay. They'll fade eventually.
Companion: These are more... traditional, though.
Woman: No. I'm getting these.
Companion: But I distinctly heard you gushing about how much you loved the way this denim pair looked on you.
Woman: I know. They do look pretty good. But I'm getting the hot pink ones.
Companion: And the pink ones are twice as expensive as the rest of them.
Companion: And they have purple rhinestones on the pockets.
Woman: Again, true.
Companion: And they're button up. With tassles on the buttons.
Woman: What's your point?
Companion: But I heard you tell your reflection that you would have to stab your eyes out after seeing yourself in these shorts!
Woman: I may have said that.
Companion: Then WHY are you getting these instead of the others that are prettier, more comfortable, half the price, and less likely to get you kidnapped by the local circus???
Woman: Because in all those brands, the size is a 16. In THIS brand, I'm a size 12!
Companion: Is there another pair?