Saturday, February 8, 2014

D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!



Just... *growl*

I love my cats.  I really truly do.  I will, however, likely be forced to kill one of them. And it will be a clear cut case of self defense.

Let me explain:

~Head down to my room last night to watch some DVRed Olympics and maybe stitch.
~Turn the corner at the edge of my bed.
~Trip over cat.
~Smack head into window and drop everything in a loud and somewhat musical crash.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"

Jack: *musical chirrup* (Translation: Notice me.)

~Get out of bed this morning to tend to needs of small humans with misguided belief that I'm responsible for their feeding and care.
~Open door and step out into hallway.
~Trip over cat.
~Slam shoulder into doorjam and forehead into wall.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"

Jack: *musical chirrup* (Translation: I'm hungry too.)

~Finish feeding children and cats.
~Make beeline for bathroom.
~Pull bathroom door closed behind me as I step inside.
~Step forward toward necessary accoutrements.
~Trip over cat.
~Slip sideways and land unceremoniously in a heap inside the bathtub.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"

Jack: *musical chirrup* (Translation: I want to play in the water.)

~Get dressed after showering and move toward livingroom in search of other family members.
~See cat coming and sidestep into kitchen feeling proud of myself for not acquiring yet another bruise.
~Retrieve water bottle from fridge and prepare to go upstairs.
~Turn corner into livingroom.
~Trip over cat.
~Stumble two or three steps before collapsing over arm of recliner that had to have been part of the ambush.
~Fail to catch my balance and roll off of the front of the recliner, successfully twisting wrist upon landing on floor while pointedly ignoring gales of laughter coming from one of the small humans who had been watching TV.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"

Jack: *musical chirrup* (Translation: Here's my stick toy. Play with me.)

~Wrap up morning routine of wasting hour or two on Facebook and YouTube.
~Stand up and turn away from computer desk.
~Trip over cat.
~Bounce in a most undignified manner off of guest bed while pointedly ignoring long-suffering sigh of spouse that screams "Two years of this and you still haven't learned?"

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"

Jack: *musical chirrup* (Translation: My belly needs to be rubbed.)

~Notice cat water dish needs to be cleaned out.. again.
~Pick up heavy stonewear dish half full of water.
~Turn around.
~Trip over cat.
~Pour water down front of clothing in futile attempt to avoid recreating Clarksville's "Great Flood of 2010" in kitchen.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"

Jack: *musical chirrup* (Translation: That's my water.)

~Finish cleaning up not-so-natural disaster.
~Step out into hallway.
~Trip over cat.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Ja -- oh.   Lea, there's gotta be safer places to sleep."

Lea: "Mreowr". (Translation: Bite me.)

~Take step.
~Trip over cat.

"D@%$#$^&@!!@#!T, Jack!!"